On the lighter side....

Did you hear about the Newfie who went ice fishing?He caught fifty pounds of ice and his wife almost drowned trying to cook it.
I hear, Sven and Ollie had similar problems.

little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a human being, because although they were large mammals, there throat was small.
The little girl stated the Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human being; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
"The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell.
"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Q. How do you get down off an elephant?
A. You don't! You get down off a duck, silly!

Q: What type of lights did Noah have on the ark?
A: Flood lights!

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work

. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes in-verse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Ok that's enough for now.