These cracked me up

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I have kleptomania,but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church

Heaven is Where:The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
andIt's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
andIt's all organized by the Italians.

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 2020years..

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacistwith a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here,you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Slim".

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.


Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience


.Don't sweat the petty things.

Don't pet the sweaty things.