My lemonade wasnt so sweet.

The adventures of being me. 
As many of you know I gave myself a challenge of getting rid of 40 bags of stuff in 40 days.  I didnt last the whole 40 days but I got rid of way more than 40 bags.
While I was cleaning my pantry I came across a 2 quart jar of (sugar)  I tasted it and everything, I thought.  So trying to consolidate things I poured the (sugar) into my sugar canister that holds 10 pounds of sugar.
A few days later I made up some sugar water for the hummingbirds but they never came to drink.
Hummm
Today I made a gallon of pink lemonade to take to club.  I proudly served my pink lemonade to my friends.  One friend took a sip and said wow, thats tart.  I thought, thats strange, I put a little more than 2 cups of sugar in that.  It should be sweet enough.  Another friend asked if it was real sugar and I said of course.  I dont use that fake stuff.  Well once everyone was served I sat down and grabbed my glass and took a big swig.  Blech.  It was salty.  How could that be?  So everyone else tried theirs and they all said yuck, ick.  blah blah blah.  One friend said are you sure you didnt put salt in instead of sugar?  I said of course not, I got it out of my sugar container.  Then it hit me.  I had poured in two quarts of salt into my sugar container. 
No wonder the hummingbirds didnt come.  LOL
Then we had role call and we were suppose to answer with our worst cookig mistake.  We sure got a good laugh out of that one.  
Oh my

Ronnie Corbet~my blackberry isnt working

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI

Humor

White lie cake

THE BAPTIST WHITE LIE
CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the
Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after
rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix &
quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat

And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house

for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.

She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work,
Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy
the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,

perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her

And talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake

And would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member
and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend
because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her
nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP'd , she
couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's
horror, the cake in question was presented for desert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet,
the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice , still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess

(who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought
to herself,

"God is good."

 

A little riddle

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the bible.  It was a Lulu, kept people looking so hard for facts and for other it was a revelation.  Some were in a jam.  Especially since the names of the books were not capitalized.  But the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers.

To others it was a real job.  We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you.  Yes there will be some really easy ones to spot.  Others may require judges to help them.  I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them and there will be loud lamentations when it is found.

A lady said she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better.  See how well you can compete.

Relax now for there are sixteen names of the books of the bible in this study.

cute

Cowboy humor

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.



The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Punography:

·I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
·When chemists die, they barium.
·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
·PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.
·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
·Broken pencils are pointless.
·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
·Velcro - what a rip off!
·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
·Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Farmers Love Letter

Do you CARROT all for me? For my heart BEETS for you and my love is as soft as a SQUASH but as strong as an ONION for you are a PEACH with your RADISH hair and TURNIP nose. You are the APPLE of my eye, so if we CANTALOUPE, then LETTUCE marry, for I know we would make a happy PEAR.

What took you so long?

FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM?


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty .

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one , but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, ( Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless (I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse . (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest , and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny , crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late . Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any , even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear , "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"...
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

he he

Redneck Love Poem

Click on picture for larger more clear view.

My resume

1. My first job was working in an Orange juice factory,


but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,

but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,

but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,

but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,

but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,

but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,

but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.

Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman,

but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,

but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,

but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

The golden years

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave
myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick
search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the
ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the
door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed
that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I

always call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."


There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped,

but then I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come

and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have

not stolen your car."
Yep it's the golden years.

And no this was not me, it was am email my mom sent to me.

New boat?

I have a feeling this is his first boat.

Cracks me up

My husband needs a portable table, chair and umbrella or some such get up so that when he is programming a control panel in the field he has a place to sit his computer, a place for him to sit and shade so he can see the computer. We have been researching options and he sent me this one today. I cant quit giggling. What do you think? Will this work here in south Texas outside in the summer? LOL

he he

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Funny signs

Hannah and her pig wallow or a teenager playing in the mud

Jeff and I took a nap and this is what the kids did while we slept. They didn't worry one bit they would get in trouble, in fact they wanted us to wake up so we could see what they were doing. Mollie didn't want to join in this time because she has to go to work.

What do you mean there is nothing to do? Its been raining for the last few days and there is nothing planted in the garden because its too wet.

The logical thing to do is a redneck mud spa. Some might look at this and say it looks like a pig wallow. I say its a teenager playing in the mud. I'm glad she still has some silly little girl left in her. Plus we do have the outside shower she can easily rinse off under. She did forget that we do have neighbors. Hope they didn't see too much.

Here is a sign for your garden

It was pretty small so I made it bigger, now its blurry but you get the drift. I thought it was cute.